And Baby Makes Three

And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives is by John M. Gottman and his wife Julie. They are the marriage therapists featured in the book Blink by Malcolm Galdwell, if you've read that. And this book is based on a years and years of research that they have done.

Really I think this is probably very similar to their other books (although I haven't read them) with a baby spin. It focuses on how to resolve conflicts in marriage-- but specifically those that arise after a baby is born. They talk about how statistically marriages don't fare well after a baby is born, but if you have the right skills that you will be fine. They also talk about how the tone of your marriage will affect your baby. Babies feel calmer and more secure when their parents are at peace.

The book was a helpful review, but I'm not sure I learned anything new. Basically what I took away is that we will both be tired and stressed after the baby comes and that we will need to be patient with each other, calmly resolve conflict, and proactively make plans to nourish our relationship. The end.

Two Parenting Book Reviews

As you can tell, I have been reading a lot. Here are some interesting parenting books that I recommend for your reading pleasure. As with every parenting book, you have to sift through what works for you--but parent or not these are interesting reads.

Why Gender Matters: What Parents and Teachers Need to Know About the Emerging Science of Sex Differences by Leonard Sax argues that boys and girls really are different-- and that reality should shape parenting and teaching. Considering what is taught in The Family: A Proclamation to the World, I thought the ideas in this book were very refreshing. It seems like I've heard too many times that gender is a social construct. That girls act like girls only because that's what society teaches them, etc. And although society does have an influence on how we perceive our gender, it is not the only thing. There really are biological differences.

In fact, I am proof of this. My mom talks about how when she was pregnant with me she was going to do parenting right-- as she was taught in all her college classes--and buy gender neutral toys for her kids. Since, I was her first, I got both traditional girl and boy toys. But I only played with the "girl" things. When she saw that the only time my sister and I ever used the toy airplane was giving rides to our barbies, she officially gave up. We were girls.

The book was a very fascinating read, but now that it's been a month since I read it, I have to admit that I can't remember many concrete ideas. The down side of reading a library book is that you can't underline! I since I can't remember anything, it just proves that they best parenting book is the scriptures. And that's why God wants us to read them every day.

A funny side note  is that there are two quizzes in the back of the book: How Feminine Are You? and How Masculine Are You? On the Feminine test I scored "You are not feminine at all." LOL. What? And on the Masculine test I scored "You are not masculine at all." Thank goodness!!!

I guess that just means I'm too assertive to be feminine and too sensitive to be masculine. So funny!

This was another fun book to read. Lenore Skenazy doesn't have any credentials other than she is a mom, but she's a great writer and has some good ideas. She got a lot of press when she wrote a column about how she let her 9-year-old son ride the subway by himself in NY. He had wanted to really badly, and she felt he was ready, so they planned the trip. She dropped him off in the middle of the mall on a Sunday with a map and money, and he made it safely home. The press freaked out and she ended up with a bunch of hate mail calling her the worst parent ever. So she wrote a book. 

A large portion of Free-Range Kids is dedicated to debunking all the myths that keep parental anxiety high. She talks about how crime rates are no different today than they were in the 70s (they peaked in the 90s, but have dropped significantly). She talks about how the chances of your child drowning in the toilet are almost 0 and the chances of your child being poisoned by Halloween candy are even lower, etc.   Then she goes on to give 14 commandments of Free-Range Parenting with suggestions at the end of every chapter to help you take baby steps towards giving your children more freedom. Baby steps like turning off the nightly news if it makes you anxious, turning off your cell phone for a day so your kids can't reach you, letting your school-age child cross the street by your side without holding your hand. 

My favorite point in her book is that you should quit trying to control everything because it doesn't work anyway. Now, isn't that the truth? I'm not saying I won't try. I mean I'm not even a parent yet. But it seems like this is the lesson that life teaches me over and over again.

Letting your kid ride around the block on his bike is actually less dangerous than keeping him locked inside where he'll become a couch potato and end up with problems. If you're not an anxious parent, then you can read this book for a laugh. If you are, then it might have some good ideas for you. 

All I know is that I'm grateful for my parents. I definitely had a different type of free-range childhood (because I grew up in Los Angeles) than my brother who grew up in the suburbs, but my parents still gave me freedom. When I was 10, they let my friends and I sell cookies and lemonade on the sidewalk in front of our apartment building-- with minimal supervision from the window. We sat out there with a cash box, yelling "Lemonade!!" And honestly, we made a lot of money because what we were doing was rare in my neighborhood. These working, childless people walking their dogs must have thought they'd gone back two decades and I think they were tickled by it. More than not, they'd let us keep the change!

We not only sold the cookies, but we baked them. I remember my mom helping us in the kitchen, but I never remember her freaking out about us opening the oven or using knives or anything. She let us do it. 

My parents also let my friend and I eat at a cafe by ourselves when I was in 5th grade. We really wanted to do it by ourselves, and they let us. They dropped us off, we ate at the counter, paid for our food, and then got picked up. It was scary and fun. 

But my parents also taught us to not talk to strangers, to NEVER swim without supervision, and to be confident in saying "No" to things we knew weren't right. They also didn't let us have sleep overs until we were 10, and honestly, I'm don't think I'll let my kids sleep over at all--it never leads to good things. 

So free-range parenting isn't about letting your kids do whatever. But it's about making sure they do have freedom in the areas that really are okay--like riding a bike around the block-- which actually may not feel okay if you're overly anxious, but you can get over it. 

Book Review: Hypnobirthing: The Mongan Method by Marie Mongan

The main idea proposed in this book is that relaxation is the key to birthing. When you relax, your body can do what it was designed to do without interference from the tension that builds up as a result of fear and pain. I have friends that have used this method of birthing and have had very positive results. And I have actually decided to take a HypnoBirthing class. So, I definitely recommend this book.

My only complaint is the title. Hypnobirthing just sounds so cooky to me. To me, hypnosis = weird! I was so worried about it, I actually called my uncle who is a psychologist and a dean at BYU to ask his opinion. What he said confirmed exactly what the book explains: hypnosis is intense focus in deep relaxation. You don't lose any control. You just are so focused and so relaxed that time passes more quickly. My uncle compared it to driving a familiar route and when you arrive you think, "How did I get here?" because you were so absorbed. And that's actually the same analogy the book uses as well. In fact, as the book described the techniques of breathing, relaxation, and visualization -- I was very much reminded of an experience I had at the BYU Bio-Feedback Lab.

The purpose of the Bio-Feedback Lab is to assess your stress level and teach relaxation techniques. During my senior year, I went down to the BYU Counseling Center to sign up for a session at the lab when I was feeling VERY stressed. Unfortunately, they were booked for a week. By the time I had my appointment, I was actually feeling pretty good, but I decided to go anyway. They had me take a survey about what caused stress in my life and what I did to manage it. Then they had me sit in a comfy leather recliner, hooked my finger up to a temperature monitor, and put some sort of electrode monitor on my forehead-- I guess to measure my brain activity. Then, I listened to a relaxation track on a CD-- one that took me through some different relaxation techniques, including muscle relaxation and visualization. It was awesome!! At the end of the session, the temperature of my hand had increased by 4 degrees (the colder your hands are, the more stressed out you are) and my brain waves showed signs of relaxation as well. As I said, I felt pretty good when I went into the Lab, but I was on Cloud 9 when I walked out! I wish I could have gone every day.

Now, do I think I'll feel like that in labor? Not necessarily. This book does claim that labor can be painless for some women-- that women describe feeling pressure, but no pain. And that would be great, but I think that sets a pretty high expectation. However, I do think that the techniques in the book will help me stay calm and keep me from emotionally freaking out, which I am prone to do. :-) And do believe I will feel less pain using these techniques than without them.

Basically, this book helps you emotionally prepare for birth--helping you develop a positive attitude about birth and teaching you how to stay calm throughout every phase of labor. And an added plus-- no naked pictures!

Life is Hard; Life is Good

My Grandma Sheranian is very sick. She has been battling Ovarian Cancer, Stage IV on and off for the last 18 months and has stopped pursuing treatment. She has been so brave! As my friend Dave, who is battling cancer for the third time in his life can attest, cancer is no fun!! You spend a lot of time in the hospital, you get poked by needles all the time, you often get to have surgeries--sometimes more than once, and you never have energy.

It seems like the longer I live and the more people I meet, the more I realize that life is hard. My parents wisely  protected me from the difficulties of life as a child-- and I am grateful. Perhaps because I have had such a stable, good life, I am all the more surprised by the how much others suffer--sometimes because of their own choices, but often because of events beyond their control. And I'm surprised when I have to suffer--even in small ways-- because so often I expect life to be easy all the time.

And it seems like when I talk to other people about disease, aging, death, or other life challenges, one or the other of us will say, "Life is hard!"  And that is true.

But life is also good!

The good memories really do outweigh the bad. The blessings we receive each day-- food, shelter, family, friends, employment-- outweigh the challenges. And just like the Book of Mormon teaches, the hard times bring greater sweetness to the good.

Brent and I spent a week in Utah together last month and had such a wonderful time visiting family, enjoying the cool weather, and most of all spending time with each other. It was fun to be in the place where we were married on our first anniversary. It has been such a good year-- hard in a lot of ways, but good!!!

The future is full of potential and hope if we face it with faith.